My red diary might be layered with dust, sitting on top of the headrest of my bed in my small but well-light, 3-seater room back in Chennai. A place where, it feels like I have spent an eternity. Almost crushing into my 5th year with middle hems of 2020.
I wanted to speak my mind somewhere so why not here itself. Writers are the ones who see their life as a craft, being perfected over time. I won't be taking backstroke keys here or trying to proof-read because the audience here is just, me. I am not sure if someone else is reading this, then what brought you here? ? It's been 4 months, last I watered my plants hanging in the window; it aches my heart to let them die. The world became confusing with this COVID-19 shaking us up to a different reality. I ask myself- Are people getting closer or becoming distant? Families are huddled together; encroaching spaces, clashing making sounds similar to dishes or saucepans in the house. But, they have been one constant reminder of we are there for you, despite everything. I always had those arms around me engulf me when I was beating myself up. They made small space cosy, the food we shared together some gossip about our common interests. It felt like, I needed this without a shred of doubt. A constant reminder to work on becoming someone better than what I was today. But, how I feel just now same was not true when this all was happening around me. They seemed to be intruders in my life, wanting something which was not making sense to me, marriages are a personal decision and for life. At least, I believe strongly in the institution of marriage. Health being another metric. All I did, was get frustrated as if these struggles were only for me. But, this was not the real reason behind my frustrated self. I was battling a loss of someone, I used to care and believe. Another ex, story this is not. This is my beginning of self. A prelude to myself. I’m still not sure if I am old school or modern types but somewhere I am highs-lows like a sine curve. Nothing seemed to matter more so I was begging love to get back. Burning in my agony of losing something so precious as if that was the only Hope, ever. The feels were intoxicating while all was merry and gay, it felt like the light yellow summer. Pink and rosy cheeks, laughter-filled togetherness. Just felt the most perfect thing. I felt this is the - one! Oh, me - I am self-critic who believes who will like this hag. So much, I looked down on myself and secretly believed in fairy tales or perfect love stories. Men, honorable & just but with a twist that I didn’t need any rescuing from external factors rather I was imprisoned in my head with my own thoughts. Sometimes, If asked to draw my thoughts then I will make series of vines just crisscrossing over, some yellow and turning black, falling from the nodes & others healthy greens, strong stalk climbing on top of weaker ones. It’s such a mess and sometimes, I like untangling them and free those suffocated thoughts to breathe again. So my prince charming or knight in shining armour won’t be fighting any bad kings or villains but the ghost in my head. Perfect, I am a princess with the weirdest to be saved demand from her own thoughts so not everyone can withstand this pressure and so many just prove to be unworthy. So this desperate princess thought maybe she looks ugly and she needs to be more pleasing kind. She became the humblest human who offered warmth with graciousness. She caught the eye of not many because she didn’t want to be found rather discovered. Like walking down the woods on a snowy evening and boom you meet - Sahiba! She will talk to everyone, not just the princess who anyways had enough demand but sometimes to peasants too if they were warm to her. She seems cold and distant at first, but if you try to sneak in her then she is warm, molted the sun. The turning point for her is when you make her feel like home and she lets her heart warm-up to you. I actually like this guy, I haven’t told him and maybe won’t tell him because he seems like a predator too with a warm soul. Or she feels that she will look stupid in front of him. God, she is happy that her past freed her and then she was back in reality that she needs not let any tom-dick-harry wink at her and get the best of her. She waits for her crush to walk to her and make her blush! She might like many, but her heart goes to a consistent man. She has no interest in wanting to slave another year to discover some people show those red signs but you are so much in love that it just hits you like a truck. You get tossed to the curb when they don’t feel the same about you. Not sure, why these people are attracted to me like a moth to a flame. Always cross my way then leave me scarred. No pity party here. She was to learn pole dancing, go travelling Europe with her cat, of course, learn slow pottery and get closer to earth where she feels like home, sing in her amazing voice which has not been tuned for a long time. So we see, she hardly has time for lame flimsy confused folks. So now, she is back to her amazing self. The new thing, that happened is that - she is determined to change and find love maybe in her. This concept is still alien to her. But, at least she started somewhere. Let’s see if my life is waiting for another story but not a sad one. To our beginnings, Sahiba
0 Comments
|