We met again. Corners of my lips didn't curl up to make a smile, how they used to before. I was looking at him after more than a year. I lost track of those countless times, I have re-enacted this scene in my head. And see, here it is comes true. I see him in front of me. I am chocking on my own overwhelmed active imagination. But, nothing goes as it was rehearsed.
We are silently present in each other's periphery. I am not even trying to say a Hi!
He avoids making an eye-contact as if he might fall for me all over again. Somewhere, secretly, I want that to happen. What if this be our fresh start? Such a queer thought to have. The stifled air fumbles out of his mouth and he says - Hi, How are you?
I am just standing there, thinking about what to say? Should I tell him how much have I cursed him for leaving me? or should I tell him that now I am used to living without him and how dare he showed-up at my door-steps? or should I just say - none of your business? Oh my, what should I just say???
I have to answer, so I say with a firm rushed voice - Yeah, I am doing great!
We are social beings so it's very natural to ask the same questions back but, I don't wish to prolong these exchanges. I have nothing good to say to him. He neither asks or expresses interest in talking further. I decide, to leave the space and retreat to my safe zone. I guess that's how this was meant to be. Nothing special. Nothing like movies neither a fairy-tale. However, we both had an urge to see each other, a little longer. Neither of us had the courage to speak up. We left it there, without moving an edge further. Hesitations. I kept in my room, the entire day, till I had to leave for the office, next morning. I knew this way, Vibha won't get a chance to stir-it-up. More than her, I had to ensure that she doesn't get to know. I am perfectly fine for her. I had a big fight with my demons in my safe zone. It seems the whole parliament sat down to drag me back to hell. I am an adult and can bandage my wounds. Some pep-talk always does the trick. I said to myself - You know what, you have aptly dodged him. Why should you show it still affects you?
This thought made me question my alter ego - Dude, you are still not done, aren't you? Gosh! you need to strategize now.
Plan A - Let me throw myself at work tomorrow. As my usual mechanism -I talk to to my red diary. I went back with an extra sheet of white paper where I drew a workflow of my upcoming day to simmer down the impact of this contact.
Plan B- start with tasks most important, then jot down some points that went well in the given situation and further do some affirmations - You can live without him, You are better than yesterday, You can let go of the past. You will not go back.. You will not go back..
My mind wandered off to recollect his light brown eyes, those eyes, I trusted the most. He is the man who calmed oceans of madness inside me. Tears blurred my vision. I said- fuck it! just fuck it! focus here - You know what will happen if you go down that road again. I have to stand firm on my ground. If he loves me then he needs to earn me.
The night sailed through with some tears and silent sobs. The comforting thoughts of his embrace still soothes the pain. Sun will shine with the smile - a new day, a new beginning. I am a writer and I have a knack for drama. Life is a test and we all take our attempts. Miss Sunshine (I) reached the office late than usual. I am all over the place figuring out my day with him zooming in and out of my headspace. I am like -oh no, great this is becoming tough again!
Then I ask myself - Do you believe in - What is meant to be will be? Yes, I do.
My Monday morning blues are not exactly blues but hues of my unrequited love. I wish a good healthy life for him with me or without me. Anyhow, I believe in destiny and it has a destination for me. While life is throwing lemons at me, I am busy making lemonades. It's cheerful that way.
I was trodding back home realizing there is madiwala lake nearby. A thought triggered me to visit the lake. He had once mentioned - "Let's go to that lake and we will have cake together". It was our good terms last meeting in Bangalore. We couldn't make it to the lake in time that day. I went to the lake just without a cake and him. I was sitting there - scrolling down the memory lane. With a sigh, I felt the breeze on my face. I was humming my favorite sad song on Spotify. Music has the power to sway you in ways you can't even imagine. For that very moment, I felt very peaceful. I opened my eyes to see my screen vibrating with his name. It was a phone call from him. He was asking me where I was? I was surprised and happy for some reason. I know, I should avoid this smile but I can't, I can't. I am telling him that I am at the lake and he says that he is nearby so he would swing-by. I wanted to say - No need for you to come here and meet me, I am no longer expecting you. Instead, I say - OK.
My mind is a war zone, neurons firing into each other. It felt a volcano of overwhelming emotions. I wanted to pop an iceburst, my phone rang again. He was enquiring where I was sitting and I gave him all possible signs to land him in the right spot. I was concerned that he should not notice the glow on my face. My insecurities were clamoring out loud that he is not into you so don't have hopes sister. I know my face says it all.
He came from the back and said - Hi!
I said Hi! He asked me how come I was here?
I said - Just like that, this place falls on my way back home.
Silence for a min.
He asked again - How I was?
I said- I am fine, you have asked this already and nothing will change in a day, right?
He said - Yeahhhhh
I said - why you came to see me? with a more agitated tone
He said - It has been a while, I haven't seen your face and I was wondering if you would let me sit next to you?
I screamed with utmost anger and loosing it all- why you need to see my face? For what joy? This is the same face you got bored and went. Why do you care?
He struggled, said - I missed you a lot.
I couldn't say anything and tears rolled down both of our eyes. It was hard for me to see him crying just like before. I don't want him to sob in front of me, it makes me weak. I sat there looking at his face and he looked at mine. Both of us just missing each other so badly. I couldn't get myself to hug him but I held his rugged hands once again, cupping them in my hands. I asked - Did you get what you were looking for?
He just sat there looking at me as if his silence was giving the obvious answers. I told him that's how exactly I imagined the day you will come back. I don't know what future holds for us but we both loved and still love each other. I have no answers, why I kept waiting for you. I am still not there to trust you. But, I am there for you when you need me the most. I can't put you through the pain of abandonment.
Now, it was he who had to pour his heart out. I am waiting for him to speak and share. Bring my best friend back.