Shoveled in the corner of the room, taking a major chunk of the space, resides the- Closet. It stretches across half the wall, split in three equal blocks from top to bottom of the room's length. The front-panels are made of wood and steel holders sit spaced at regular intervals of 1:3 width apart. Inside smells like old plastic paint but deep spaces within. Imagine my hand drawing items infinitely. In everyday, scenario my closet is accessed only twice or at least once. I store less used items on the top shelf with some compartmentalization done to save space in next 3 shelves. Deep boxes allow me to box things and set them atop each other in evenly distributed spaces. Imagine, filling a square with other cubes or cuboids. Similarly, mind the gaps.
She was a young woman studying in final year of the university. She had similar shared space closet. After bath, immediately standing infront of it, coaxing what to wear will always take an eternity. Just adding to the anxiety; questioning those self affirmations - You are good enough. "I will have enough money one day to buy the best clothes just like those girls" - she would murmur to herself. Shut slam its door and rush out. For 345 days, this would remain a routine affair.
Young woman needs to know that closets need to be maintained else they get very messy. Everyday, she would pull out clothes, she never thought who was handing her those clothes. It wasn't her hand that came out but her residence had members living in her closet. We all have them in our's. When she falls asleep in night they come out sliding under the bed and crawling up slowly inside her head.
Our demons live within us and they make us do our normal. You don't notice them because we are conditioned to see only what we are expected to see. She would always get to wear what they wish for her. They narrate her dreams which turns into her realities. Slowly like a poisonous vine, they speak secrets to her altering her rationale. She had been dragging them with her throughout her life. From one nook of the city to another. One gets so consumed to even take a notice of their existence until...
After spending 30 years of her life, she continued to keep them safe in her closet. This time around there is something interesting going to happen. She will soon get to know it, when she will meet them in person. All these years, they had been hiding but now is the time to show themselves. Her closet has company.
This young man fell in love with the vibrant personality of this woman. He did not notice much of her cheap clothes or delusional affirmations. He was now living with her in the same shared space making it a home for himself and his demons. No longer, it was just her scent in those locked spaces. He occupied equal portions of the shelves. He drew his clothes from the same closet. Little they both knew that they had guests over. It was getting crowded in there. I can imagine the heat.
We met again. Corners of my lips didn't curl up to make a smile, how they used to before. I was looking at him after more than a year. I lost track of those countless times, I have re-enacted this scene in my head. And see, here it is comes true. I see him in front of me. I am chocking on my own overwhelmed active imagination. But, nothing goes as it was rehearsed.
We are silently present in each other's periphery. I am not even trying to say a Hi!
He avoids making an eye-contact as if he might fall for me all over again. Somewhere, secretly, I want that to happen. What if this be our fresh start? Such a queer thought to have. The stifled air fumbles out of his mouth and he says - Hi, How are you?
I am just standing there, thinking about what to say? Should I tell him how much have I cursed him for leaving me? or should I tell him that now I am used to living without him and how dare he showed-up at my door-steps? or should I just say - none of your business? Oh my, what should I just say???
I have to answer, so I say with a firm rushed voice - Yeah, I am doing great!
We are social beings so it's very natural to ask the same questions back but, I don't wish to prolong these exchanges. I have nothing good to say to him. He neither asks or expresses interest in talking further. I decide, to leave the space and retreat to my safe zone. I guess that's how this was meant to be. Nothing special. Nothing like movies neither a fairy-tale. However, we both had an urge to see each other, a little longer. Neither of us had the courage to speak up. We left it there, without moving an edge further. Hesitations. I kept in my room, the entire day, till I had to leave for the office, next morning. I knew this way, Vibha won't get a chance to stir-it-up. More than her, I had to ensure that she doesn't get to know. I am perfectly fine for her. I had a big fight with my demons in my safe zone. It seems the whole parliament sat down to drag me back to hell. I am an adult and can bandage my wounds. Some pep-talk always does the trick. I said to myself - You know what, you have aptly dodged him. Why should you show it still affects you?
This thought made me question my alter ego - Dude, you are still not done, aren't you? Gosh! you need to strategize now.
Plan A - Let me throw myself at work tomorrow. As my usual mechanism -I talk to to my red diary. I went back with an extra sheet of white paper where I drew a workflow of my upcoming day to simmer down the impact of this contact.
Plan B- start with tasks most important, then jot down some points that went well in the given situation and further do some affirmations - You can live without him, You are better than yesterday, You can let go of the past. You will not go back.. You will not go back..
My mind wandered off to recollect his light brown eyes, those eyes, I trusted the most. He is the man who calmed oceans of madness inside me. Tears blurred my vision. I said- fuck it! just fuck it! focus here - You know what will happen if you go down that road again. I have to stand firm on my ground. If he loves me then he needs to earn me.
The night sailed through with some tears and silent sobs. The comforting thoughts of his embrace still soothes the pain. Sun will shine with the smile - a new day, a new beginning. I am a writer and I have a knack for drama. Life is a test and we all take our attempts. Miss Sunshine (I) reached the office late than usual. I am all over the place figuring out my day with him zooming in and out of my headspace. I am like -oh no, great this is becoming tough again!
Then I ask myself - Do you believe in - What is meant to be will be? Yes, I do.
My Monday morning blues are not exactly blues but hues of my unrequited love. I wish a good healthy life for him with me or without me. Anyhow, I believe in destiny and it has a destination for me. While life is throwing lemons at me, I am busy making lemonades. It's cheerful that way.
I was trodding back home realizing there is madiwala lake nearby. A thought triggered me to visit the lake. He had once mentioned - "Let's go to that lake and we will have cake together". It was our good terms last meeting in Bangalore. We couldn't make it to the lake in time that day. I went to the lake just without a cake and him. I was sitting there - scrolling down the memory lane. With a sigh, I felt the breeze on my face. I was humming my favorite sad song on Spotify. Music has the power to sway you in ways you can't even imagine. For that very moment, I felt very peaceful. I opened my eyes to see my screen vibrating with his name. It was a phone call from him. He was asking me where I was? I was surprised and happy for some reason. I know, I should avoid this smile but I can't, I can't. I am telling him that I am at the lake and he says that he is nearby so he would swing-by. I wanted to say - No need for you to come here and meet me, I am no longer expecting you. Instead, I say - OK.
My mind is a war zone, neurons firing into each other. It felt a volcano of overwhelming emotions. I wanted to pop an iceburst, my phone rang again. He was enquiring where I was sitting and I gave him all possible signs to land him in the right spot. I was concerned that he should not notice the glow on my face. My insecurities were clamoring out loud that he is not into you so don't have hopes sister. I know my face says it all.
He came from the back and said - Hi!
I said Hi! He asked me how come I was here?
I said - Just like that, this place falls on my way back home.
Silence for a min.
He asked again - How I was?
I said- I am fine, you have asked this already and nothing will change in a day, right?
He said - Yeahhhhh
I said - why you came to see me? with a more agitated tone
He said - It has been a while, I haven't seen your face and I was wondering if you would let me sit next to you?
I screamed with utmost anger and loosing it all- why you need to see my face? For what joy? This is the same face you got bored and went. Why do you care?
He struggled, said - I missed you a lot.
I couldn't say anything and tears rolled down both of our eyes. It was hard for me to see him crying just like before. I don't want him to sob in front of me, it makes me weak. I sat there looking at his face and he looked at mine. Both of us just missing each other so badly. I couldn't get myself to hug him but I held his rugged hands once again, cupping them in my hands. I asked - Did you get what you were looking for?
He just sat there looking at me as if his silence was giving the obvious answers. I told him that's how exactly I imagined the day you will come back. I don't know what future holds for us but we both loved and still love each other. I have no answers, why I kept waiting for you. I am still not there to trust you. But, I am there for you when you need me the most. I can't put you through the pain of abandonment.
Now, it was he who had to pour his heart out. I am waiting for him to speak and share. Bring my best friend back.
I was into literature since childhood.Reading books was an escape from the real world.Sometimes I think about those extracts from one of the poems written by Robert Frost.
It's 2:00 am and I am in mood to just write. I think sadness has a way of making me work around it. These bouts of emotion are pretty frequent just like my little struggles to keep myself pushing forward. But where am I going? This thought is so unclear. I am at a divergence trying to figure out what should I pick.I am not scared of my choices. I prefer to just go and do it.Tomorrow I should have no regrets.
I don't want to stop myself from exploring , playing , imagining and making mistakes. I own my decisions both good or bad.Taking that leap of faith is just the beginning, Post this leap you have to live those moments both good or bad.
She has battles to fight.
Fight for the love she deserves.
Fight to be a better version of herself
Everyday she can see the scars but that makes her even more determined.
Her scars are not to be ashamed of but she will carry them with pride.
Have no false notions on her weakness, coz she ain't one.
Men who walk next to her,
Bow down to her.
She won't ever see a man as a lowly human being.
For her its all about being an Empress of her Empire.
She puts her faith in few good men and women.
She is voice so strong that you can't ignore
Her rage can shake up the walls of Athens
She is incredible and mesmerizing in her own ways.
Do you have a vision to see that?
Do you have that ability to withstand the scorching sunshine?
She ain't meant for fickle hearts.
She shoots for the stars to surely land on the moon.
I doubt if you can anchor her.
Sometimes she is mad scientist working on her mean machine.
Sometimes she wants to do a world invasion.
Sometimes she is just a woman who nurses, when you are in dark.
All she wants is to be heard & understood.
Her language can not be limited to just 7000 words.
If you want to decipher then sneak into her mind.
You will see fireworks!
You will see a picasso come alive!
The Universe keeps shifting shapes and it resides in her.
It was a dusky evening
Tardiness in the sky
Warmth of the incandescent smoldered onto her cheeks puffed with pancakes
Scooping the uneven feebleness she held
She looked dazed at who she was and the reflection from the other side
Both had differences
She from other side was more confident ,smirking wittily
While she looked for reassurance from her
Every time she had something new
She would always try in front of her
There was an unusual relationship between both
But one thing they resonated together was the sadness
Then her reflection and she became the One
The Girl in the mirror was a piece of her but not the whole of her
It feels for the moment i went back in 1920s the beauty has another meaning to it.
It does not only involves eyes but all the senses. You feel, breathe beauty.
Even a man without sight can escape into surreal beauty.
When long walks had no intents other than living the moment
When breeze touching the face one could feel it and absorb it.
New was nothing but daily affairs with little curiosity
Courage was not an understatement nor a testimony to the World, rather to the self.
It's so difficult for me to contain myself.Under the cloak there are several me, we (me's) all have different preferences , some of us are shy , some outspoken, some diligent,some turbulent.It's an adventure the day we all set out together a crazy day either we get things done at lightning speed or we do nothing at all.To pamper and calm each of me I made a wish list.
1.Run a Marathon
I find it hard to have an active routine most likely I have a sedentary lifestyle always glued to my mac for hours.I want to challenge my body to achieve the ability to push more than possible.Throwback the limits that my mind has adjusted to.It's not a day's job but requires diligence, a routine, a dedication towards building the basic ability to run and then run for longer.
2. Fly a Piper
Yeah , if you have seen fifty shades of grey or have seen that movie it looks very intimidating to fall for a guy who loves to fly some classy dude's hobby of flying. But I want to do it to satisfy my own love for the flying machines.I have been mesmerised by huge exhaust of the engines in commercial flyers.I always wanted to be somehow remain connected to my passion for the design despite i have not experienced any G force or haven't done any acrobatics.That's why this is in my wish list.Well there should not be a need for some pilot's license or course, hopefully i can hitch a ride with some trained flyer and be madly gasping at the wonders of that journey.
It will definitely do some sky-rockets in my heart.Love for the aviation.
Let's see this sport is quite challenging. I have done river rafting in Rishikesh and in Manali so trying this sport was on the wish list since then.I think I need strong arms for this to paddle properly.Googling about kayaking destinations in India I found link to few destinations.I want to kayak calm waters but yeah a call for adventure over few boulders can't be stricken off.Still this is in research phase.
Kayaking in Rishikesh is for Pro and here I'm just a beginner.
4. Visit Amsterdam
I have always been attracted to European culture, the art there is very sophisticated and monotones with gentle emphasis are pleasing to the eye.I want to absorb from their heritage.I'm sure coming back this experience will turn into a beautiful masterpiece.Some art and technology together making a lethal mix.
Museums and eateries especially the bakeries will be topping my list.I'm making sure that i don't miss out to fall in love with this place so ensuring a meticulous planning lands me there soon.
I wish to cycle in the streets of Amsterdam.
The artistic me , romantic me, silent me will all find tranquility.
5. Scuba Dive
I'm scared of the deep waters.But they look so calm and turbulent at the same time.Like me.Again wanting to push a little further.
India does have some amazing waters to explore Andaman & Nicobar Island can be my next destination.This won't end here i want to try scuba in deep freezing seas too.
Riding a bicycle was scary in the beginning. I remember how hard it was to stabilise.Dad holding the back of cycle to help me learn how to paddle and I ended up paddling straight in rubble.How many times that knee got injured and fear held me from learning how to ride.
But there was one significant thing that made me overcome those fear that was - How i felt the air on my face when I was paddling on the road, as if I got wings.
So I tried again and failed many times, sometimes giving up riding , letting it rust.Surprisingly , I paddled after picking up a tip randomly. Tried it once and it was successful since then i began riding everyday.
Now I learnt to drive a car , but the fun of riding a bike is different.
Again i want to feel the fresh air on my face. Not Delhi's polluted air.
7. Climb Mt. Everest
It seems like I will have a life full of adventure. Yes, it's true. I love to appreciate nature , our planet Earth and mustering courage to accomplish the hardest. A road less travelled.I know the limitations of my own body so there fight between the will power and the physical ability I just want to know who will win here ?
8. Ladakh on a Bike
10. Working on Turbojet Engine
If I had been an Aeronautical Engineer it would have been possible for me.Sometimes i laugh when people ask me have I moved on from that dream , thinking that few things we aspire as child are later realised as unpractical or unattainable.
I laugh inside at their naiveness thinking this is my stuff why should i even explain anyone.The joy i will seek is going to be with me .
The secret is i just tried a different approach to reach and make those things happen :)
Nothing was left ever.
Pursuits of Happiness - You got a dream. You gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it. Period.
Our intellect should question everything.That's how it is supposed to be.
When we were kids there was no definition of right or wrong or inherent perspectives.Every time we saw something our mind starts looking for the patterns, trails to our past experiences, the child has no past so no perceptions.Learning is our aim, its outcome will be good or bad that is the whole process.Our ability to question what we saw,felt and touch made all the difference in helping us evolve as better species.
Basic instincts of survival is in each and every living organism, multicellular or single-celled only what makes us UNIQUE is our intellect.
More and more people now don't use it often , they don't spend time to bring it to fruition.As child one could gaze endlessly to open blue skies forming imaginary animals in clouds , picturing the brightest star in a dark embellished sky, looking endlessly at that APPLE as if it was center of the entire universe.Gathering those scrambled thoughts , harnessing that information or knowledge we seek.Be that child in you.Find the meaning of your scrambled thoughts.
Every thought i write is a fragment of my own mind ; just how mesmerised i feel every time.Having a dull moment is something we can't control , it will come and go.What we can control is How long it STAYS !
I feel deeply but sharing the depths of my heart had never been an easy task ; ohh i never had a patient ear i guess ;who would have listened to me.So me and my thoughts do the talking and we create some amazing things along the way.It's like your better half is no one else but You.
Sometimes i feel like standing exactly in between a heavy traffic junction and see the commotion while i am standing still.That's the similar commotion of my thought trails.I wanted to make things ;bring them to life and then seeing them evolve on their own.Why i feel so much ??
Sometimes i am not stone hearted.Life has to be so meaningful but these days , it doesn't seem alright.Human emotions are strong and powerful but we all are turning stones ; only a glow in this dark ; can warm this heart.
Memories turn us into what we are today , it funny i'm thinking about AI here, Artificial Intelligence. It has similar capabilities to evolve but can we code memories ?? Code memories but still we can't alter a past.There has to be something feed in the system before expecting an output from it.Can we code and recreate stories - the past ?
"The past is just a story we tell ourselves."
This is a narration from an outcast...
My name is Ginger i was born ......errr somehow i don't remember if i had any childhood memories - the photographs , when i was very little.Little in what sense " a little " ?? Not literally little , i meant to say my body was always this much big but my mind was small or little.All this while my brain grew bigger and bigger.
I love this name Ginger kinda suits my rags and it's pale tarnished colour.I was not always so shaddy . Ohh i remember this little girl , Melisa who always poked my nose ...aahh she was fun to be with. My life was full of short trips with her to the garden or to the kitchen , in her bed, around her everywhere and anywhere.Memories you know....they come and go in flashes.The last time i saw her was on Christmas.She was curiously unpacking a red box with a white bow-shaped ribbon.I saw her glittering eyes, pink cheeks all she wanted was to see what was in the box.As she slid the lid , she was sooo happy, danced like a little ballerina and hugged her father.Something hard , rectangular and with some glowing screen like the TVs or the mobile phone her parents had. It was some sort of device . That was the last time when Melisa and i were together.
I was still lying on the ground sitting with my feet open and arms waiting for Melisa to carry me in her arms.I just kept waiting.All night i was alone in front of the glowing Christmas tree , the fire had gone out it snowed heavily outside, i could see the flakes covering the window panes.This very moment i felt a cold wave crept inside me.My heart turned blue- ice cold.She was in her room giggling with that screen ....i hate that metal beast.I cried whole night , just felt my heart broken, shattered to zillion pieces.Nothing changed after that i was tossed from one place to another.Sometimes under Melisa's laundry and sometimes in the gloomy corners of her room or her bed.One lucky day i was sitting on her bed , i saw her coming i thought if she might see me again then she will remember her Ginger.She did came....(crying uncontrollably) she ...she threw me away. My existence for her was now obsolete.The hope died inside me.Years passed she grew taller and her metal device was too replaced and i kept sitting on the top shelf of her closet. I could only see light when ever she opened her closet else it was a dark world. Who cares about the light now .
It was just another day.Mel's mom opened her closet and was removing some of her old stuff and was putting all that in a big brown carton.She me picked me up and tossed me in the carton , i wasn't surprised at this as this is what happens ...right .The carton was packed and i was suffocated in the pile.Until someone cut the box open and started drawing all the contents out of the box and then shuffling into right sections.I was passed over to toys section , i felt no pain nothing at all as if i accepted all this .There i met Sulphur, the yellow alligator.It's a rare colour to be yellow for an alligator .He slid his tail for a "Hello" . I gave him an uninterested stare but he was full of excitement , i really don't know what was so exciting for him ?? Hasn't he seen any teddy :P( a Fool !!) .
He said " Hey ! Fella, what's you're name ??"
I was like " ahmmmm Ginger".
He said " ayee...you new here ?"
" where you came from ??"
He was so happy but about what ?? And it was really irritating to deal with him.I choose to ignore him.
"Where you from ???????"
I replied- " None of your business, just leave me alone".
He said " Hmmmm, ahh-ttitude ahhh, Let's see yaa bro , how many days you gonna not accept".
he left me. But something clenched inside and his words" how many days you gonna not accept ?" echoed .Miserable i got. I was shelved with other toys .I didn't appear much friendly to them , so they didn't care to ask me either.
The next day i was taken for washing , i wondered why they gonna wash me ?? I am still looking clean and good.They threw me along with several others into a bin that shacked , vibrated with all the water going back and forth making my head swirl.After the tiring wash were were loaded and sent for drying.
In all these days in felt a little better when the sun shone over me and i could see my furr glow golden brown.The air hugged me and it felt like Mel's hug.Anyway MEL.... i live in reality.There was no MEL. ACCEPTED !!
After a sun kissed day we were loaded and shelved.My mates were complaining about their issues.I kept away from whatever they were saying , it's just none of my business.Why should i bother .It's there problem and i am alien here.I saw another loaded trolley but with.....broken,tousled , estranged others.I was shocked to see the condition they were in but the guy took the trolley in some other section.
Someone tapped my back it was Sulphur this time with chuck.He is called Fat Boy !!
Chuck - Hey newbie , what's cookin ?
I smiled and said nothing mate.Sulphur gave those anxious looks to both of us.To break the ice Chuck said you know the guys you saw were broken by the elementary school kids who are very evil.My whole attention was now on the word "evil".I was thinking kids who play with toys are they evil or those who leave us alone they are evil ? Anyway why i think so much.I chocked and with a pause said - Why they break them ?
Sulphur - "Hold on your horses boy, it's just been a day here you need to know alot".
I winked at him and said yeah why not.I knew now i am not gonna be that broken heart dude anymore.Life has given me a twist , a jerk and i shall survive this.We can either choose to move on or be dragged .
There on it was a new me - a little tousled , gloomy but a struggling new me.I made many friends like Sulphur- the yellow alligator , Chuck - the Fat Boy , joe - the truck , linda - dojo doll , bin - a bin , yeah actually a bin and many more.I started to adapt to my new surrounding and life was unfolding offering new insights.Someone said that happiness is not a destination , its a journey.
Summers were here and i burned with hell a 45 degree Celsius. Our fur got very warm and hot and suffocation was at its peak , so we all splashed under kitchen tap turn by turns.When no one noticed we made our move.After all humans should not know we are not lifeless nor we are feeling less.
I used to feel so let down when Mel left me , i accepted i was an outcast until i met many like me here.We all are a bunch of out casts. Someway or the other. We all have faced this situation ,it all depends on how we embrace the moments in front of us.One outcast can feel grim but a group of out castes can take down anyone.Power of being united and loving who you are like the way we are.
I am an outcast who exists in this world in its own unique ways !!
Breathe in !
Breathe in !
I kept telling myself.Do not stop until the lungs give up,pushing harder and harder.My face turned red , cheecks were burning, eyes teary but i didn't stop.
Breathing breathing heavily until lungs were at brink of explosion.It still suffocates.I left a gush of air out and sank panting heavily,down on the floor.Mustering might to look up again.I need to breathe now.
The room where i stood was cogulated with noise and hustle.Life seemed so runny.It was crowded and i was stuck.I choose to drift apart to a place where it feels to be alive.So breathe push the boxed kingdom,feel what freedom is like.Let it fall apart.I told myself let's go home where we shall be united.The sparkling sunlight waited for us.
Me and my inner calling hail in the sunlight.I took a ride in balloon of my imagination and drifted in wonderland.A peaceful silence broke over my face until the phone rang and i woke up from my broad-daylight dream.
It was the same chair and same room.The hustle intact only i time travelled.