When would it be enough?
A question, I am kindling in my mind at least from past 3 days. When will I say, I am putting my foot down and stopping myself from moving in circles. I start from somewhere, hoping this would be different but it leads me to same end, no matter how far, I think, I have come. Those voices in my head are churning me to ground. Going on worrying for things that might not happen or even if they do happen then also I won't die. If asked, I will choose to end this sooner than later. I will choose to end my life. A life, I never choose in the first, place. When we are babies, we don't even know if we were a conscious choice or a mistake or a imposed decisions. We don't know if we will be able to live through the years of our life. We are slaves to the obligations imposed on us because we call it love and care for family or our beloved. I never choose to go through this hell. No body was there to hold my back or give me a comfort of their arms. Only a belief in my head that I live to sustain my most cherished person in life, whom I have seen just suffering. I am burning inside and this pain is the only feeling, I understand. Nothing changes for me. One day, the same person will ask if they every meant something to me. There are many ways we keep the viscous cycle going. We can't escape our own - Hell. We keep living in a hell-loop. Only people in equation, we replace with new faces who bring the same flavor and that feels just fine. If this is becoming hard, then what was the hardest moment? - When I went to meet you in the hospital, you looked worried. I controlled my tears to the point, it broke me physically. Everything, was going to shit. I messed up my boards, I was not able to share how it felt because loosing you was terrifying. You were the only person where I had some sense of comfort. I still go back to same day in my head and then a sharp pain rises making me open my eyes in the middle of the night. How would I explain this to someone who would want to be with me 24/7? I am trying to learn to find my ways of venting out. I don't care of this society, I am already torched enough. One day, I know, you would turn against me. I try and try to not give you problems at least now you should have a good life. But, your world dictates me to be a certain way and I can not. You want me to wear a face, smile perfectly. I am, doing it. But, I can't let more lives join me or push me to point where I will break. If you, want to push me then I am already on the verge. I think of giving up everyday. Only to remember, what will happen of you. Only your love is closest to my heaven. Let me believe it. I want to die thinking you loved me enough. I am not able to understand happiness , the way usual people do. I see my happiness in giving my care to someone who needs it the most. Even they would turn on me at some point. I want to give because no one else gave me. I know exactly how it feels to be alone in a dark room and you see or imagine things. You can't call someone because you are told to be on your own. The moment, I feel, that now it would be a different story, things just don't align as I had expected. Naanu called me his toy, I think, I was everyone's toy only. I was meant to left after you all got bored. I had to leave naanu behind, only place where I knew how a good father is. 25 yrs of imprisonment and you ask me to think about society. For once, can you think about me? I thought, you finally understood and so it was my release. I was wrong. You did not care. Selfish and yet you think you worry about me. I don't want kids because if that's how I am to you then I don't need my own version taking the rest of my years showing me how dark my soul is or how I have never done anything for them. I am not angry on you and I can't be, you are my little girl whom I love so much. I see struggling and it keeps hurting me. I want to stop this torture, I really want to. Don't make it more hard as it is already.
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Kya aapko khaalipan laga hai?
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