I am a person of emotions and it defines my every being. People often mention- pull out emotions; out of an argument before making a decision. I have tried thinking rationally and critically and it just feels like a weakness. You are captive of your own thoughts long enough until a strong emotions suppresses your desire to remain jail bound. If we were to always withdraw from emotions then we wouldn't have made great strides for mankind. A belief of life present outside the earth has someone restless in search of that new home for the new generation. Some of us are made to think beyond themselves and we need to keep weighing which of our inner beliefs take more weightage than the others. People and their stance in our lives will change with new variables at play and bigger unknown factor here is they themselves. In a single moment, a thought can change the entire narrative of what it could have been if I was not present in the present moment, what could have been the alter reality of the person writing this.
What If I had never left? What if I had left? What if I had roots? Past , Present & Future - ME I did try keeping people happy by cutting out a part of my emotion for those who were so dear to me and that left me with panic attacks alone in my bed, missing. Thinking if I could ever had both under one roof. Again, the cycle has gone full circle and I am facing the same question after 30 years and nothing changed. I will continue to live with my elevated heart beats hoping to see the end of my dawn. As soon as you want to turn your back and run away they start screaming for you as if I am the mother and that's my kid wailing for milk and how cruel it would be for a mum to ignore those cries. None of this was my ask and maybe by design I am a human who is bound to get triggered by people making such demands so I will exhaust myself to go miles for them and come out defeated tired all for nothing. Not sure, if I can see this spiral collapsing on me or maybe I am, far from being free. A caged bird as always just this time the bondages are made of love. If you ask me what is love, it is a chain tied to your neck slowly chocking you till it will snap your neck and you are finally free. This chain you would have chosen for your own redemption because life is anyhow a suffering so being chocked does not seem any different. At least, suffer for someone you love. This madness can only be possible if you are an emotional fool like me. I am aware of the madness but that's my design - my purpose to perish at the hands of love, searching for it...
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