I am waiting for the love of lifetime & I might not get it. But it's okay.
Because this one is worth waiting for, where he can handle all of me and share all of him with me. I can wait to see if such people are walking the earth still. I don't have a home to come to. Here I see him as my home, my favorite sweater. If he wants me to just function like a placement holder(wife) then I think it's better to part ways. I can continue to be a lone wolf. I have been on my own for a long so it will take a lot of convincing to make me trust - you are the one. I have been seeking. This feeling of finally meeting you should be like an end to a tiring journey. When I open these eyes, I see you next to me. That will be a consistent truth for both of us. I will know, you can do it or at least try. World is so fucked up hence no fairy tales here. I need to see raw truth but also compassion to be open to this idea of even sticking together. We are made of flesh and bones; fragile human ego- then why hide or shy away? If you can dare to bare yourself and then don't run to the forests. If you won't put any effort then I would do the same. Gracefully, exit your path and move on to another purpose to serve my life. If you ignore my generosity because you are occupied, yes I would turn away and bid a good bye in my heart. You would sense when my presence becomes an absence. You got issues with me & you choose to decide on your own what you wish to do, then you ended "us" long time back. I would take the fall to begin again somewhere. But, I shall rise again. Let's say every push I get, I just realize, my footsteps are to become; not just a woman who bears kids and worships in laws. My tradition needs to have a spine so I shall not take it as it comes. I will put my lens and see my perspective and paint a rosy life for myself with you or without you. I am a strong, compassionate woman and very rare these days. My loyalty does not comes unless you have earned it. I have learnt to create my boundaries so be someone who is willing to pay regard to my efforts and I shall make sure equilibrium exists. Else, I got a lot to accomplish in this vicious world. My guidance is not my mother alone but many woman far away in history and some good men, I adorn. Men those I respect are dead so can't really say if they had lived more then to what degree they would have remained unshakable and genuine. So, I choose to always take my side first before I let you in. You bet, I am a tough one.
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I am looking for you, not like crazy but I Am. There is a long way to go to find you. Just be alive let me have a hope to see you once. People, this society dictates what is accepted and not. Your daughter has been a rebel and shall be forever one. I never felt this strong urge to seek you out till I saw your photos. How much we looked alike. My cheeks, my jawline looks like you. Naani keeps telling me about my temperament is like yours' too. I think mom pretends to ignore when I told her I want to meet you. Why I have to struggle this much to just meet you?
You became my parents and decided to never see me again, get separated but now I have my own will to see you. I don't care what will be result or the outcome of my choice. I want to approach you and you can deny if you want. I can live with this. Because I am stretching my motivation to live to see you. I missed a father, who would hold me gently and safely. He had to protect me. You were not the guy holding me when I first rode my bicycle, or when I had to write my board exam, Pawan tried his best to fit your shoes. I guess he lost his sight somewhere and his ego got the best of him. He decided to take it on me. Dad I don't want you to deal with all this. I just want you to tell me how a father is to a daughter? I don't even know. No one was there for me, I have always been alone, all by myself. Mom is not to blame, she had her own life in a spin. I never wish this upon my child. I don't know if you had been any different but I imagine girls with fathers must feel something good about it. You don't think about me? Why you never asked me even once? Do you want to meet me? I want to meet you with all my heart and that's the most important thing to me. Just this and I have thought about this idea in my head so many times. We will meet for chai, papa we will get samosas and you can tell me about your college days. Don't ask me about my life. It wasn't great. I don't think you should know in our "only meeting". It will bring all memories of mom back, I look like her. You might not like that. Try to get over it and I will let you feel comfortable if you are at loss of words it's fine. I will be full of tears just like how I am right now. We can talk about your kids and family now. I want to know how many siblings are there if your family ever needs me, I will do it for you. I will keep any of our promises forever for life. I won't be able to ask to replace my memories, everything was meant to happen for a reason. You will also meet me now for a reason. I can see if this all is connected then I am waiting patiently to see you. I want to see how you walk, talk or smile, way you hold a cup or move your eyes, what's your attitude towards life and people. What sort of person you are? A part of me is afraid to find you and reach out - what if you denied? I will be heart broken and this will be beyond repair, don't deny it! I will be beyond repair on this one. I won't be able to handle it. Dad, I am alone and now my heart can't take on more. I am loosing hold of myself and not good at hiding anymore. Maybe I can talk something silly with you about my obsession with cats that's the least controversial topic and silly too. But if you are not a pet person then you will loose interest. Dad who you are will be something, I will be genetically looking for in my partner if I happen to make it to that stage. I want to know what is my type or choice. How do you know a man is a good man? Dad you need to try to talk to me even if you can't think of anything. I want to be a 10 yr old with you. We can go back in time and be just the two of us in our world. If you are given that few moments to be my father then how it would have been and I will be your daughter. If at all, you never meet me then I am writing everything here for you to read. If you search me and want to know what's going on with your daughter then here is what she is thinking. My therapist says, I am not able to think for myself first and every decision I take is for others but you are my decision, first decision but mine. |